‘Put your hand on your heart and your heart in your hand.’
— Pat Parelli
It’s heartbreaking, to see an animal so withdrawn that her body language is a mantra of ‘don’t touch me’. It’s heartbreaking, when loving gestures have the power to cause emotional pain and physical discomfort. And it’s heartbreaking, to want to comfort someone but be denied permission to touch them, even if that someone is a horse.
Could I earn Xena’s trust by respecting her wishes? I’d known her only two weeks when I made the decision to stop touching her. This meant I couldn’t pet her, groom her or pick her feet.* Even when fastening her halter, I was careful to not graze her face with my fingertips. Perhaps this sounds ridiculous, but I wanted to be the one human who did as she asked, even if it wasn’t easy.
In time, I began to wonder how could I make my touch so comforting that Xena would want to be petted? Could I make my human hand so soft and non-threatening that she would stop flinching? Could I put my heart in my hand and make it meaningful for her?
A lambswool car wash mitt became the ideal solution.
The first time I held the mitt out for Xena to sniff, she spontaneously wiggled her nose into it. I’d already rubbed it on my hair and coat, so it had my scent. Now during our long walks around the arena, I’d buff the tip of her nose whenever we stopped. Slowly, inch by inch, she allowed the mitt to stroke her face, neck, body, legs, and even her tail. Eventually, my bare hand followed.
The mitt taught me to slow my gestures and to be more aware of my body language, but more importantly it helped me build the foundation of Xena’s trust. And in the end, not touching her was all about the Friendly Game℠.
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